How do I stop caring what other people think?

The Short Answer

You probably will not stop caring completely, and you do not need to. Caring what others think is part of being a social human. What you can do is care less, and care more selectively. Start by remembering that people notice you less than it feels like, decide whose opinions actually count, and practice small acts of doing things your way. Over time, imagined judgment can lose some of its grip. The goal is not to become someone who never cares. It is to stop letting an imaginary audience make your decisions.

What "caring what people think" means

Caring what people think means your choices, mood or sense of worth are strongly shaped by how you imagine others see you. Some of that is healthy, because it helps you be considerate. It becomes a problem when fear of judgment keeps you from doing things you want or need to do.

Why you cannot just flip a switch

Researchers have long argued that the need to belong is a powerful, basic human motivation (Baumeister and Leary, 1995, *Psychological Bulletin*). So if you feel a jolt when someone frowns in your direction, your brain is doing what brains do. You are not broken. You just come with factory settings.

Two research findings worth knowing

The spotlight is dimmer than it feels

In a well-known set of studies, Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec and Kenneth Savitsky asked students to wear a T-shirt with either a flattering or a potentially embarrassing image into a room of other people. The students overestimated how many people would be able to remember what was on the shirt. The researchers called this the "spotlight effect" (Gilovich, Medvec and Savitsky, 2000, *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology*).

People judge us less harshly than we expect

In a 2001 follow-up, Kenneth Savitsky, Nicholas Epley and Thomas Gilovich found that after social blunders or public failures, people expected to be judged more harshly than they actually were. Part of the reason: we zoom in on our own mistake and forget everything else onlookers are taking into account (Savitsky, Epley and Gilovich, 2001, *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology*).

Put together: fewer people are watching than you think, and the ones who are watching may be kinder than you expect.

Ways to care a little less

1. Name the audience

When you feel judged, ask: who, specifically? Often it is a blurry imaginary crowd. Naming actual people tends to shrink the problem to its real size.

2. Sort opinions into tiers

Heavy weight: people who know you well and want good things for you. Light weight: strangers, critics with no stake in your life, anonymous comments. Give each tier the attention it has earned.

3. Run small experiments

Wear the loud shirt. Ask the "dumb" question. Post the drawing. Then watch what actually happens, not what you predicted.

Example: You have wanted to share your art online for months but keep picturing people laughing. You post one piece in a friendly space. A few people react kindly and most scroll on by. Nobody makes a meme of you. Next time, posting feels a little easier.

4. Talk to yourself like a decent friend would

Self-compassion means offering yourself the kindness you would give a friend who is having a hard time. Researcher Kristin Neff has written widely about it, and her site has free exercises you can try (self-compassion.org).

5. Check choices against your values

Write down three things that matter to you. When you know what you care about, other people's opinions become one input instead of the final vote.

6. Let some people be wrong about you

Some people will misunderstand you no matter what you do. Letting them is its own kind of freedom.

When it is more than everyday worry

If fear of judgment is intense, constant, or getting in the way of work, school or relationships, it may help to talk with a doctor, counselor or therapist. This article is general information, not a diagnosis or a treatment plan.

If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please reach out now. In the United States, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Outside the U.S., contact your local emergency number or a local crisis line.

Where Derpy Dave comes in

Derpy Dave stopped trying to look cool a long time ago. Tongue out, eyes wide, completely himself. The brand describes its value of individuality like this: "Being different is not a flaw. Derpy Dave is proudly goofy, imperfect and himself." A cartoon cannot do the hard part for you, but sometimes a goofy reminder on your screen helps.

Dave's Field Note: I once walked around all day with my shirt on backwards. Three people noticed. One of them said it was a look. I have worn it that way ever since.

Follow-up questions

Is it bad to care what people think?

No. Caring helps you be considerate. It becomes a problem when it starts running your choices.

How long does it take to care less?

It is different for everyone. Small, repeated experiments often help more than waiting until you feel confident.

What if the criticism is actually fair?

Useful criticism is worth hearing, especially from people who care about you. Keep the useful part and leave the tone behind.

Why do I keep replaying embarrassing moments?

Lots of people do. The spotlight research suggests other people probably noticed and remembered less than you think.

Come hang out

Want a low-pressure place to practice being yourself? Try sharing an original piece on Beyond Words, or tell Derpy's Den on Discord about a time you did your own thing anyway.

Sources

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